Quick Update!

Wow I’ve gotten a few great emails from readers. Maybe I should get in touch with Brett Kimberlin. This guy is a god of shutting down insolent bloggers who try to bad mouth us Killer Klown stopping conquistadors. I mean my ancestry that links me to Cortez gives me the right to stop all speech directed against me. I could easily get a peace order against Matthew Inman of theoatmeal.com and have him put under arrest if he dares draw my mom seducing a bear again. If a convicted serial bomber and perjurer can do it, why can’t a badass buddhist like myself? Rest assured, Brett and I will not rest until we have thrown the last heap of dirt on the First Amendment. That antiquated thing needs a proper burial.

Again, thank you readers.

Charles Carreon Esq.

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4 Comments

  1. Evil Supergenius

     /  June 20, 2012

    Dear Charles, below is my “thirteen” step plan to take over the world and become as much like you and Brett Kimberlin as possible. Although I am an evil super genius lawyer I would like a fellow evil super genius lawyer to review my plan to ensure I will not end up on the wrong end of California’s anti-SLAPP statute or worse yet land in jail. I hate jail – there are no lime popsicles in jail. Thank you for your attention to this very important matter.

    My 13 step plan:

    1.) My ego-testicals which are the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. I will keep them in my safe-deposit box.

    2.) I will not waste time paying attention to the finer points of the law – I’m not accountable to anyone.

    3.) I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the words “common sense”; I simply choose not to show any.

    4.) When my enemy challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your wife to back you up?” my reply will be, “No, just sensible.”

    5.) I will be secure in my superiority. And I will prove it by leaving clues in the form of obscure poems and photo shopped cartoons to show my weaker enemies they pose no threat.

    6.) I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled “Danger: Do Not Push.” The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of clown confettie on anyone stupid enough not to disregard it.

    7.) One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

    8.) I will never utter the sentence “But before I sue you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”

    9.) Because of its proven stress-relieving effect, I will indulge in maniacal laughter and issuing of frivolous subpoenas. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

    10.) I will not maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses because this takes too much of the fun out of the job.

    11.) I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

    12.) I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. I will sue everyone that injures my feelings.

    13.) Once my power is secure, I will destroy The First Amendment in its entirety.

  2. We should go to IndieGoGo to crowd source that business plan. Oh wait, I see $200,000 we can just take.

  3. Evil Supergenius

     /  June 20, 2012

    That’s a good start but I’m looking for more than $200,000. Maybe Kimberlin can kick in part of his $1.8M take at Velvet Revolution. Only downside is that I’d have to give him a cut of everything. Maybe I can give him my big red button marked “Do Not Push” except since it doesn’t actually blow anything up so I doubt he would be satisfied.

  4. Well Kimberlin might be valuable in using as a proxy to get peace orders against any critics of ours. So with $200k plus the $1.8M we’d have a solid $2M dollars on hand. With that much cash we could probably cover filing fees on all complaints against detractors for a long time. If every person we try to censor also receives a settlement offer of $20k, then we should keep our operation going indefinitely even if only 5% of people settle.

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