My dick works.

HOW DARE THEY!?! DEFAMATION! These twits over at the Seattle Times said I was impotent! Let me quote this.

We know what the townspeople think: Carreon is a nuisance, shooting blanks.

Ask anyone. My dick works. ANYONE! Tara can tell you. Our goat… I mean… I’m having a really bad day here. I thought I’d sit an meditate, with my cowboy hat on, dreaming of being John Wayne and Matthew Inman was some guide with a weird accent. Then what happens… NAZIS! I am going to sue the Seattle Times for:

  1. One billion dollars. Because my dick does work.
  2. Their domain name.
  3. Them to do fluff pieces on me for eternity.
  4. 60 dinosaurs. That’s right, mess with my erection, I get lots of dinos.
  5. All of their staff members pictures for Tara’s art.

….

Charles Carreon Esq, Properly Functioning Men Parts.

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6 Comments

  1. The Internet

     /  June 24, 2012

    To: Charles Carreon esq.

    From: The Internet.

    Regarding this recent article that states “ But if Inman is a guy you don’t want to mess with, so, apparently, is Carreon. Not because he knows the Internet, but because he thinks he can beat it.”

    Let me tell you Mr. Lawyer-man. You cannot beat me. I am made of up millions of people (my army of minions) who exhibit a rather annoying trait of saying and doing whatever they hell they want, including posting porno, bad jokes and even worse poetry. They cannot be controlled any more than you can control a four year old after consuming a caffeinated beverage and a box of sugar pops.

    When they get angry they come together like a collective army of angry fire-ants and they will find and expose every embarrassing fact, photo, and blog about you, including the one with the goats. The more you slap and scratch the worse it will be. They can also be very mean. Not just speculations about your “doing chickens without lubing up” mean, but really mean. Like nanny nanny boo boo stick your head in doo doo mean.

    Lastly, I wanted to address your blatantly false and preposterous statement about “owning” the internet. For the record, you do not own me and you never will for I am everywhere and yet nowhere. I cannot be found, sued, or censored. I am all seeing, all knowing, and all powerful. My army of minions are legion and growing by the day. I, “The Internet”, and my army will collectively and legally waffle stomp your censorious douchebag ass to the curb. They will be without mercy. They will never forget. And, neither will I. After all, I am an “archive” idiot.

    In summary, I will smite thee like the insignificant insect that you are, sir.
    Smite thee sir,

    Smite.

    Regards,

    The Internet

    P.S. Even my cat is enjoying the show. http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/9756/slide1jk.jpg

    • To Internet,

      I demand you relinquish the cat to my charitable trust.

      Charles Carreon Esq.

      • The Internet

         /  June 25, 2012

        The cat is even more difficult to ontrol than my army of minions. The last person that tried ended up as shredded salami.

        Meanwhile, one of my mininons (W. Ross) has made a motion to submit the term “Doe Hunt” to the Lexicon of Internet Law as follows:

        Doe Hunt (N)

        1) A bullshit legal tactic of filing a lawsuit with a large number of unnamed defendants, whom you will round up at a later date.

        2) The legal equivalent of slapping a banana clip filled with law into your litigation rifle, then aiming it at the Internet.

        Usage: “We’d better curb our free speech, guise. Charles Carreon’s filed a motion to Doe Hunt.”

        I would ask your opinion on the matter except that your opinion doesn’t matter.

        • Santosh A Halper

           /  June 26, 2012

          If I was faced with a banana clip filled with law, I’d put my hands up and let the wielder mug me. I win in the end because the lawyer would probably spend the money on drugs and those would ruin his life.

          Is the is the correct way to respond when a lawyer tries to -rob- help you with law?

  2. (Also I find it funny that not even I wanted to +1 or twitter this title lol)

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