A cave. A man. A cloning machine.

I am back in my undisclosed mud cave impenetrable underground lair. The Illuminati are every where now and I’ve had to go black from the last several hours. Only now as Tara pedals our old exercise bike for our generator can I boot up the old Tandy 1000. It’s been a hectic 24 hours and I am unconvinced that the CIA doesn’t know what I am up to. We have began to build our dinosaur cloning device. I am short some materials so I will list them below, encase you can help supply them. Items crossed out are already ready to go.

  1. 15 empty peanut butter jars, preferably Skippy brand.
  2. 3000 yards of aluminum foil.
  3. 3 sporks.
  4. 500 yards of duct tape.
  5. 1 modern PC.
  6. 3000 yards of unwaxed floss.
  7. 3 pounds of weapons grade plutonium.
  8. 3 sticks of Juicy Fruit.
  9. 100 yards cat5 cabling.
  10. 2 centrifuges.
  11. A microwave oven.
  12. 9 panels of sheet metal.
  13. 13 hamsters.
  14. M&Ms.
  15. 10′ of PVC piping, 2″ diameter.
  16. Frog blood.
  17. 1 copy of Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton 

Soon with your help we will raise a mighty Tyrannosaur Army to silence our critics and enslave those who would hack into my blog to post comments! I will suppress all bloggers including that Little Lying Bitch. My mighty reptilian legions will devour all detractors including Paul Levy, Cathy Gellis, Kenneth White, Marc Randazza and Martha Stewart (because we all know you can’t bake cookies that good without a heaping scoop of evil). Once they have fallen, my army will march upon the Halls of the Oatmeal and deal him a defeat that no Pterodactyl will be able to save him from. Anyone who says different is a quack. The only people who disagree with my mighty quest are Illuminati scientist who try to convince us that some invisible force keeps us from falling off the planet into space. How the hell would you fall into space? SPACE IS UP! Liars.

Jurassic Cave Dweller,

Charles Carreon Esq.

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3 Comments

  1. albertraccoon

     /  July 14, 2012

    You do realize that with expressions such as ‘weapons grade plutonium’, ‘centrifuges’ and ‘sporks’, you’re most likely to attract the attention of ECHELON, right? Especially the ‘sporks’ part.

  2. Evil Supergenious Lawyer

     /  July 14, 2012

    Charles, I am hoping I can help you stockpile some food and you can help me by taking about 100 lbs of zucchini off of me. Mrs. Evil Supergenious planted too many and I am eating zucchini’s till they come out of my ears. I am sick of zucchini – I don’t care how nutritious they are. Maybe you can use them to feed some livestock that would be meals for your new T-Rex. They could also make for excellent targt practice.

    Also, I have a centrifuge I could lend you along with a weapons grade detonator but unfortunately I left it in my other secret lair inside the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. The Dragons have very nasty tempers and I am still missing my eyebrows from my last encounter.

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