Jack Daniel’s needs new representation.


Look at this. Just look at it. Blah blah blah, I’m a nice Tennessee lawyer. What the hell are these people doing? Not only do they not threaten this person’s ability to speak freely about their brand, but they even offer him money? YOU DEMAND MONEY! This is what gives us lawyers a bad name, people trying to deceive the public into thinking we should be nice and polite. I don’t care if they got the intended result. We are lawyers, warriors of the legalese, knights of financial destruction, bearers of the bar, etc. These guys came out looking like Colonel Sanders (another cloned fast food Illuminati pawn). You never go full Colonel Sanders.

What sort of lawyering is that? How are you supposed to finance a dinosaur army with good wishes and polite word craft? I am going to write Jack Daniel’s today and demand they drop their incompetent counsel in trade for my services. Not only will I not throw their money away at any would be author turned copyright infringer, but I’ll procure the finest dinosaur DNA for a joint cloning venture. Look at the picture above, my experiments with Tyrannosaurus DNA and kitten DNA is really paying off. We are just a few steps away from crushing these First Amendment advocates. With my newly preposed tort and the dinosaur clones, we’ll rule the internet and the world. Below is how I will respond in the future to trademark infringement if I become Jack Daniel’s lead counsel:

  1. Demand at least but not limited to $100,000
  2. Threaten to sue in any of 30 jurisdictions in order to scare the target into compliance.
  3. Demand they hand over all copies of the infringement for destruction and any domain names they control.
  4. Inform them that I can litigate for essentially forever, especially once I clone myself therefor ensuring my immortality.
  5. That once I crush the Illuminati, I will use their time travel devices to erase the infringer from existence.
  6. That I can and will name them horrible things like “rapeutationist” and draw genitals on their faces.
  7. Demand attorney fees in the form of dinosaurs.
  8. Ask that they forward my demand letter to Ralph Nader.

Mad as hell,

Charles Carreon Esq.

 

 

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