We live in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Tucson out of solidarity to our poor brothers and sisters (we bought our house for $170,000), and we own one Prius. We’re not by any means rich. We get by month to month like the rest of you. We hardly ever go out to eat, because it’s a waste of money. The only thing we ever buy is books and movies. We don’t go on vacations. Our biggest monthly bill is our water bill, because we do splurge on watering our little forest. The first thing we did was have a backhoe come out and dig about 25 huge holes in our yard, and plant trees.
We are common man, people’s people, dirt under our finger nails, working in the sun type of people. I mean, well… we hate the sun, hence the trees. You have to have trees, lots of trees, because they stop you from getting sun burned! Just what every average poor American does. Buy a house, hire someone to dig 25 huge holes, drive a Prius around.
Everyone knows that to show solidarity with the unwashed masses, you buy a house that people who make minimum wage can’t afford. When most poor people are forced to throw away what little money they have on rent, it really shows them what a people’s person I am to move into their neighborhood and own my house. It’s like setting a good example for them. I like to go around saying “Hi, I know you work a menial job for less than optimal wages, but look you can own your own home too. Just become a lawyer like me. Super easy.”
Everyone knows poor people need to save money. That’s why I drive a Prius. You know how much I save on gas? If only more poor people bought Priuses instead of used cars that got horrible gas mileage, they’d be rich! So stop spending a couple thousand dollars on cheap old cars and invest in your future. Anyone can make car payments of $500 a month. Get some common sense poor people.
I am a man of the people, a successful lawyer, with many clients, who just wants to show the unwashed masses how to live a good life. Is that so wrong? Soon I will buy an island so the poor people and I can live in peace and do genetic experiments to create dinosaurs.
Charles Carreon Esq.