Donna Barstow interview.

Reader’s I decided to do something different today and bring you a little Q&A I had with a prospective client, Donna Barstow. She doesn’t know I’m posting this, but I slept through ethics class in law school, so it should fall under plausible deniability right? Right.

Me:  So why did you want to hire me?

Donna:  These guys at Something Awful are terrible people and need to be taught a lesson. They’ve called me racist and other defamatory terms.

Me:  What defamation have you faced?

Donna:  Well they said my cartoons are poorly drawn, not funny, and they called me old.

Me:  That’s reprehensible.

Donna:  Exactly! And they wrote down obscene words like the f word.

Me:  Isn’t that a crime?

Donna:  That’s exactly what I told this guy pretending to be a law school graduate on twitter. You can’t just go around typing fuck, shit, racist cartoonist, etc. Those words are illegal.

Me:  It seems anyone can pretend to be a lawyer nowadays. 

Donna:  So I was wondering Mr. Carreon, what can I do about this?

Me:  First we will send this Something Awful place a quite awful cease and desist letter demanding $100,000 for reputational harm and lost business. We will also ask for 1 live Tyrannosaurus Rex for attorney fees.

Donna:  What if they only have money and no dinosaurs?

Me:  Then I will sue them.

Donna:  What if I don’t want you to sue them, just want the money?

Me:  You can have your money, I’ll sue them personally for trademark infringement when they undoubtedly use my name to describe our demands to the public.

Donna:  Uh…

Me:  Oh and we’ll draw dicks on all the employees of Something Awful, you are a cartoonist right?

Donna:  I’m not sure if I am okay with that.

Me:   Oh never mind, Tara can do that.

Donna:  I need to go now…

Me:  Okay see you soon!

I think that went well.

Charles Carreon Esq.

[The real Donna Barstow refused to respond to me 😦 ]

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Donna Barstow

Donna Barstow,

I have read that you are having troubles with people reposting your content to their site and making fun of it. As I am a Internet Lawyer, I know very well how frustrating the people of the internet can be. It must be even more frustrating that they might be gays, African Americans,  Muslims, or Mexicans. I believe I can help. For the retainer fee of 1 live Tyrannosaurus Rex, I will send these awful minorities a cease and desist demanding that they relinquish their domain name to you, remove all your stolen content from all internet sites ever, and pay $20,000 for defamation. I litigated the sex.com case and won, so you are in excellent and professional hands. Also if you would like we could trademark your name so that anyone who uses it would have to pay you licensing fees or you could just sue them if your disagreed with what they had to say.

Another avenue I am very skilled at is managing client’s trust funds. We could set up a trust so that any litigation taken against you would not be able to dip into said fund. I would expertly manage it and you could feel safe your were in good hands. Please feel free to call me any time at:  900-CAR-REON [$4.99/minute] and remember, when the internet gets you down, Keep Calm and Call Carreon.

Warm Regards,

Charles Carreon Esq.

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