Be Heard IV

Here are two letters from the secret Illuminati member Shannon. Quite frankly I can’t even figure out how Mr. Carreon was able to read her email address when she mailed him, as it was encrypted through CIA servers.

Hey SatCharles!

This is so cool! I figured the slime ball wouldn’t even take the time to read my email, much less post it for the whole world to see!! I feel so powerful right now I’m almost giddy. All of this just because I love my oatmeal!

I’ve been called many things in my 48 years on Earth, but no one has ever called me a “rapeutationist” before.  I might need to get some new business cards made. I think it should be spelled with a capital R for proper reverence and effect. After all, there can be that many of us, right? I was never comfortable with the whole “soccer mom” stereotype label. OMG-the other mom’s are going to be so freaking jealous when they hear about this! Top that bitches!
I am disappointed that he didn’t answer any of my questions and that you have to scroll through almost all of the other letters to get to mine. Do you think I should write him again with a little reminder that I’m still awaiting his reply? You know us rapeutationists, if nothing else, we are a determined group! Of course, I can only speak for myself, I wouldn’t want to overstep my bounds or misrepresent myself as a “rapeutationist.” You know, if you say it slowly, it almost sounds kind of sexy in a weird, twisted way. You gotta give him credit, the guy has a way with words!

So thanks for the heads-up!

Shannon (yep-it’s my real name)

First of all, thank you again for letting me know about this. Mr. Carreon has not made any direct contact with me even though he has my full name, city of residence and a valid email address. I have lived in the same home for 18 years, so my street address and home phone number would be easy to locate either online or in the local phone book.

Those of us here in Seattle are proud of the neighborhood we call “Funky” Fremont, also known as “The Center of the Known Universe.” The residents like to claim they started the bumper sticker revolution that asked for “Whirrled Peas” rather than world peace. They host a naked bicycle parade every year on the summer solstice that is a sight to behold. They even have a life-size troll carved under the I-5 Freeway bridge at the Fremont Exit. Matthew Inman and The Oatmeal are an important piece of the Fremont family.

I can copy any design or project but I didn’t inherit the gene to create new and magical things and I am in awe of those that can. Mr. Inman has the ability to make people laugh in a world where there is sometimes very little to laugh at. My life isn’t an easy one, I won’t bore you with the details, but I need every laugh, smile, or guffaw I can get. When FunnyJunk stole original ideas from Mr. Inman. He went through the proper channels asking them to stop. As a result, he has ended up in a big fat pile of crazy.

I was not, as Mr. Carreon claims, “marshaled into an army” nor did I try to “besiege (my) website and send (me) a string of obscene emails.” I wouldn’t have a clue how to “besiege” any one or any thing. I have no idea what a  “denial of service” attack is either. I’m just a gal from Seattle lending support to neighbor. I wrote one polite, slightly tongue-in-cheek letter asking the attorney representing Funnyjunk to explain what had happened and what was going to happen. (I also asked him his personal views of television programs such as LA Law and Mad Men, but that is neither here nor there.) My letter contained no obscenities.  The idea that he is accusing me of a form of rape makes my stomach turn. His mocking of such a serious crime against humanity is vile and I believe shows his true colors.

Print this and my first letter to you if you wish. Like I have said before, I’m a big girl and can spot a bully a mile away. I speak only the truth and live my life with no regrets. Bring it on Mr. Carreon. You have been warned.

Shannon Radoll (this is my real name)

aka-Shannon in Seattle,

Be Heard III

Dear Mr. Carreon,
My name is Richard Walls, one of the many people whose emails you published in public recently on your site. In my previous electronic letter I assumed and gave you the benefit of the doubt having faith that you would be a sensible and appreciable man who could take my honest criticism and do some good with it. I wrote to you with a sincerely positive intention and am shocked to find that my email has found its way into your ‘hatemail’ display. You are attempting, very blatantly, to draw attention to individuals who have criticized you in a negative way which is a far more obvious attempt at defamation of character than that which has been directed at yourself. This ‘wall of shame’ is unacceptably childish for an adult, much less a legal professional, and I would advise you to remove it for the sake of what remains of your reputation in the world. I was not a part of any organized attempts to harm your character, I had no interest in bringing you down, only in helping you better understand and emerge from your situation with as little harm as possible. I am not a zombie, I am not a defamer, and I am not a man who will tolerate this ridiculous attempt at internet bullying. Your publishing of my name and email address mean only enough to catch my attention, not enough to harm or cause me any personal distress, though the concept behind this sickens me. Mr. Carreon I had hoped you would be a better man than people portrayed you but you continue to exceed the stated expectations.

Attached to this you should find a photo of myself because I am not afraid to have my opinions and my words acknowledged and attributed to me so please, go ahead. You’ve got a photo to work with so I’m sure you can give me a section in your ‘rapeutationists’ page. I’ll even write the jokes for you, ‘this dirty fecal-frumper is going to have to come out of the bathroom closet someday. Its only a matter of time afterall, everyone who disagrees with me is just a sexy turd away from ending up like this fag.’ See? I put together your two favorite things, bad poop and bad gay jokes. If you don’t like that heres a handful of things I’ve accomplished you can make fun of and demonize: Debate team, practicing poet/artist, Atheist, library volunteer work with children and young adults, volunteer shelter work, Portuguese, Eagle Scout, Under 6′ tall, roleplayer, etc. I have no fear of you or your attempts to demonize myself or any other persons seeking to honestly and critically offer their thoughts to you. You, however, seem to be terrified of it. Your blog refuses comments, your posted emails have yours omitted, and you’ve made many efforts to make it difficult for you to be reached and responded to in any form. This is ineffective and frankly, disgraceful. There is one very important thing to note though, I will not come down to your level and spout out juvenile comments unintended for humor. I admittedly made light of your situation in the concluding paragraph of my email, hoping the humor might brighten your day, but I never wrote with a malicious intent towards anyone as you have and do.

I am not a hater, I am not a detractor, I am not a zombie, I am not a rapeutationist, I am not part of any organized attack. I am a concerned individual who has taken time out of their busy day to address you in the hopes that you’ll retain some rationality and come to the conclusion that your downwards spiral will get you nowhere except deeper in the pile of shit…yes, I made a poop joke, you’re not the only one who can chuckle at brown stuff.


I have a dream.

I wrote a speech today for when I address the nation, as soon as Tara can hack into a satellite.

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for dinosaurs in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great Illuminati Fighter, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Dino Cloning Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Rapeutation Survivors who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their DIRA.

But one hundred years later, the Carreon still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Carreon is still sadly crippled by the manacles of rapeutation and the chains of internet mobs. One hundred years later, the Carreon lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Carreon is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation’s capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, Carreons as well as Illuminati, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of dinosaurs.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of litigation are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Carreon people a bad check, a check which has come back marked “insufficient funds.” But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of dinosaurs and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the progress on Tyrannosaurus DinoArmor. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of tar pits to the sunlit path of reptilian justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of prehistoric injustice to the solid rock of Dino Riders. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God’s children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Carreon‘s legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of dinosaurs and equality. Two thousand twelve is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Carreons needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Carreon is granted his trademark rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for dinosaurs by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our litigious protest to degenerate into Tara ranting. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Carreon community must not lead us to a distrust of all other people, for many of our other brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our dinosaurs. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of dinosaurs, “When will you be satisfied?” We can never be satisfied as long as the Carreon is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of lack of dinosaurs. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot ride dinosaurs in armor to the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Carreon’s basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto(Ashland) to a larger one(Tuscon). We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating “For Illuminati Only”. We cannot be satisfied as long as a Carreon in Arizona cannot pass torts and a Carreon in Oregon believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow padded cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for dinosaurs left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of Illuminati brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Arizona, go back to California, go back to Oregon, go back to Florida, go back to Timbuktu, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the tar pits of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.”

I have a dream that one day on the hills of Oregon the sons of former Illuminati Resistance and the sons of former Illuminati will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Arizona, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of dinosaurs and justice.

I have a dream that my little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the allegiance of their secret lodge but by the size of their Tyrannosaurus Rex.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in California, with its vicious First Amendment worshipers, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in California, little hatchlings and young Carreons will be able to join hands with little Buddhist boys and Buddhist girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the Desert with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of dinosaur migration. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to asylums together, to stand up for dinosaurs together, knowing that we will be cloning them one day.

This will be the day when all of God’s children will be able to sing with a new meaning, “My country, ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim’s pride, from every mountainside, let dinosaur roars ring.”

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let dinosaur roars ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let dinosaur roars ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let dinosaur roars ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let dinosaur roars ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let dinosaur roars ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let dinosaur roars ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let dinosaur roars ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let dinosaur roars ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let dinosaur roars ring.

And when this happens, when we allow dinosaur roars to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, Carreons and Illuminati, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Carreon spiritual, “Dinos at last! dinos at last! thank God Almighty, we have dinos at last!”

Bet you didn’t think I was a warrior poet huh?

Charles Carreon Esq.

Be Heard Part 2

Another email from a reader.

I’m not so much writing this here because I am afraid, but more because I don’t know where else to put this.

I think it’s important that we shatter Carreon’s delusions about the world.  He seems to believe that everyone who opposes him is some mindless being connected to The Oatmeal directly, much as everyone who supports him is some mindless (or utterly psychotic in the case of Tara) being connected to him.  It’s a basic psychological fallacy to assume that your condition is a general condition of humans.

He does not seem to realize that his actions do violence not only against Matthew Inman, but humanity in general.  He is sticking up for the principle that defamation laws should protect people’s reputations from their own actions.  He is sticking up for the idea that speech is only OK if it’s attacking the right people or it doesn’t break some subjective barrier that some human is capable of arbitrating.

He and his wife seem to believe that their tastes should be used to determine whether speech is OK or not.  Could you imagine a world where that happened,  where Mr. Carreon is an arbiter of speech?  I could print out pictures of Mr. Carreon, poop on one each day for a month, photograph them, and post them to a blog, and it would be infinitely more tasteful, clever, sane, intelligent, ethical, and lawful than anything he or his wife have said on this matter.

The point of this tirade is not to simply criticize Mr. Carreon’s actions further, as I think he has received enough criticism for the “merits” of his individual actions.  The point of this is to point out that Carreon is not simply an enemy of The Oatmeal and his imaginary zombie followers.  He is not simply an enemy of some imaginary monolithic consensus on the internet.  He is an enemy of mankind, whose actions are a tyrannical abuse of process that, if generally successful, could crush free exchange of ideas at taxpayer expense, allowing any common thug who went to law school to control social change, technological advances, and criticism of unethical government entities or corporations.  In fact, legislatures have specifically enacted laws to make such abuses easier to identify and crush early on.  Somehow it is a mystery that anyone would oppose his actions.

Does Mr. Carreon respond to the notion that his actions are illegal?  From what I have seen, he seems to believe that a number of circumstances here override the rule of law.  He seems to imply that The Oatmeal’s “Your Mom” joke directed to his client was so offensive and unethical that it overrides the rule of law, or had some magical power to dehumanize him that clearly incited people to take illegal action against him despite the very strict legal definition of incitement (designed to protect people from lawyers like Carreon). He implies that being angry, donating ten dollars to an art project, and having a law degree makes him the attorney general or otherwise some kind of prosecutor.  He implies not only that the government should “protect” people from the possible consequences of their own actions in this matter, but that he, some dude with a law degree far from the influence of voters, should be able to “protect” people from the possible consequences of their own actions.  He thinks that the fact that he doesn’t like someone and that they *could* be doing something unethical and/or illegal is evidence that they are and cause to put a restraining order on them (or he is willfully trying to abuse the system, which is quite probable).

Did he admit defeat when a bunch of humiliating briefs pointed out that he had no case?  Nope.  He claimed victory, asserting that the checks going where they were supposed to go all along was all he ever wanted, despite the fact that he used this frivolous case as a vehicle to get his even more frivolous incitement case to court.  This is why I feel the need to crush his delusions of grandeur.  The best way to do this would probably be for the courts to award Rule 11 damages on this case, although I’m not sure who should seek them.  Unlike Carreon, the people he harasses have lives.  Becoming permanently disbarred would probably be good for him.  I feel like if anything can make him snap out of this, it’s some condemnation from the judicial system.

Mr. Carreon:  You are not above the law, as you seem to believe.  You are not Batman.  You are some thug with a law degree.  Not even Ralph Nader is enough of a nut to support you on this matter (although, were he, that still wouldn’t help your case).  By the way, did you get any response from him regarding your request to forward your lawless threats to him?  I’d love to read it.
As far as I know Ralph Nader has not gotten back to Mr. Carreon. I doubt many people who have such people seemingly obsessed with them do.

Donna Barstow interview.

Reader’s I decided to do something different today and bring you a little Q&A I had with a prospective client, Donna Barstow. She doesn’t know I’m posting this, but I slept through ethics class in law school, so it should fall under plausible deniability right? Right.

Me:  So why did you want to hire me?

Donna:  These guys at Something Awful are terrible people and need to be taught a lesson. They’ve called me racist and other defamatory terms.

Me:  What defamation have you faced?

Donna:  Well they said my cartoons are poorly drawn, not funny, and they called me old.

Me:  That’s reprehensible.

Donna:  Exactly! And they wrote down obscene words like the f word.

Me:  Isn’t that a crime?

Donna:  That’s exactly what I told this guy pretending to be a law school graduate on twitter. You can’t just go around typing fuck, shit, racist cartoonist, etc. Those words are illegal.

Me:  It seems anyone can pretend to be a lawyer nowadays. 

Donna:  So I was wondering Mr. Carreon, what can I do about this?

Me:  First we will send this Something Awful place a quite awful cease and desist letter demanding $100,000 for reputational harm and lost business. We will also ask for 1 live Tyrannosaurus Rex for attorney fees.

Donna:  What if they only have money and no dinosaurs?

Me:  Then I will sue them.

Donna:  What if I don’t want you to sue them, just want the money?

Me:  You can have your money, I’ll sue them personally for trademark infringement when they undoubtedly use my name to describe our demands to the public.

Donna:  Uh…

Me:  Oh and we’ll draw dicks on all the employees of Something Awful, you are a cartoonist right?

Donna:  I’m not sure if I am okay with that.

Me:   Oh never mind, Tara can do that.

Donna:  I need to go now…

Me:  Okay see you soon!

I think that went well.

Charles Carreon Esq.

[The real Donna Barstow refused to respond to me 😦 ]

A break from character. Part 2

So here I find myself posting again outside of the character I have created on this website. I had said I would only do so if I was forced to, and I feel I have. This post is directed not only at Charles Carreon, but at any would be censor. You have no right to threaten me because I don’t like you. We are a society of free expression under the Constitution. We are not a society of freedom to commit Lawfare. You might be able to threaten frivolous legal action to me but I have the right to fight you with my every breath. I have never threatened you, your family, your friends, or any of your numerous organizations you have created. I have spoken out against you, I have satirized you. I have not photoshopped your face into pornography or your wife’s. Can you say the same of the people you satirized? No. I have also protected you. I have deleted comments on this blog that tried to identify your personal information. I have been granted no such thoughtfulness by you though.

There are good, decent, people in this world. People who go day by day working jobs they don’t like to support people they love. There are billionaire philanthropist who recognize other people’s plights and choose to take action. There are unintended heroes who by chance save someones life. I believe the good outweighs the bad on any given day. I also believe that if we don’t fight what we see as injustice, the bad goes on in the shadows happily unacknowledged. I am fortunate that good, decent and brilliant people have taken my defense so that I can shine a light on you. Thank you Paul Alan Levy, Cathy Gellis, and Kenneth P. White. Those people and anyone who stands up against censorship are my heroes.

You might hate what I have to say and I might hate what you have to say but I have never said anything on this blog that wasn’t done for the sake of information and humor. I have not called you a murderer and have not asked for you to be water boarded. I have remained civil as a satirist can. However now you come to me with THIS:

You have blatantly tried to censor me and in the course have threatened a company who has provided me service. You have threatened me as well. You have said that you will litigate me when and where you want and until I can litigate no further. You have tried to use the fear of financial ruin to keep me silent.

I will not stand down now, or ever. Did you think that because I choose to remain anonymous (for this reason exactly) that I am weak? My voice is as loud as yours and with every threat it becomes louder. I will not bend or break. I will remain a lawful citizen who chooses to speak out. I will not be censored as you have tried to do to myself and others. This isn’t just about me, this is about my children and yours. So that they can one day speak out as I have if they feel the need.

You are probably going to try to make this about trademarks, however as people’s right to create fair use sites based on trademarks has been settled numerous times before, that is a hollow argument. This is about you being upset and wanting to use whatever law you think you can to stop me from speaking. This is about you thinking that because you have the resource of being a lawyer yourself that you can shape the public conversation as you see fit. This is about you using your resources to shut down critics like your parody accounts on Twitter, or offering a $500.00 reward to anyone who would name the person behind it. Or threatening bloggers with legal action, as your wife has done. These are the actions of a censor.

This site will be a part of your living legacy. I had thought I’d do this website and eventually it’d stop getting traffic one day. That I’d move it to another domain, created for a new project, for archive purposes alone. I know some day no one will care about you enough to look at this site. However today I swear before anyone who is reading this and before my deity of choice, that this domain will stay open and available to the public as long as I can afford to do so.

You could have engaged me in meaningful dialogue. You could have put your angry hat away and emailed me. I would have agreed to disagree, but I would have listened to your concerns. I might have even agreed to find a mutually respectful compromise. I can disagree with your actions and still seek civility. That is over now. I have been threatened, my rights have been threatened, and I do not negotiate under threat. You cannot silence me for disagreeing with you. You cannot silence others who disagree with you.

Consider this my not so kind hearted way of saying fuck off,

Satirical Charles

A break from character.


I am not posting this satirically as I originally intended. I had half of this post drafted and then realized the subject matter would be done a disservice by making it into another joke. As anyone who reads this blog might know, I value free speech. I also can be a world class troll if I need to. Maybe that is why I am such a proponent of the First Amendment. I believe through free speech we are granted the ability to do real journalism based on fact and truth without fear of retribution or intimidation.

That being said, free speech and journalism fails when our journalist become lazy and start taking shortcuts. Shortcuts like just pasting an interview into an article with no analysis of the facts. Journalism where the author of an article becomes a mouthpiece for the subject of his piece. I have seen many easily researchable errors while covering Charles Carreon. I also see something sinister happening where Matthew Inman (under advice) is no longer fixing these errors in interviews because of the legal action taken against him. Journalist are allowing Mr. Carreon to frame the conversation as he sees fit, and not standing up for the truth.

Dave Thier of Forbes – Quotes Charles Carreon that IndieGoGo is going to take 9% of the Bear Love fundraiser. When called out on actual facts he in the comment section repeats 9% then does not respond to figures actually obtained from

Michael Cavna of the Washington Post – Repeats Carreon’s line that the picture Matthew Inman drew was of Carreon’s mother, even though it was of the FunnyJunk admin’s mother.

These are but a few of many examples of letting one person frame a debate with journalist who could, and should, place emphasis on the truth. Without a diligent press our freedom will fail. We cannot as a free people allow shortcuts or lack of analytical thought to take us down a dark path. This is also a reminder to anyone who reads a news article, think critically. Do not assume fact because it is in print. Research it if the subject interests you and be a party to our freedom.

Thank You,


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