A cave. A man. A cloning machine.

I am back in my undisclosed mud cave impenetrable underground lair. The Illuminati are every where now and I’ve had to go black from the last several hours. Only now as Tara pedals our old exercise bike for our generator can I boot up the old Tandy 1000. It’s been a hectic 24 hours and I am unconvinced that the CIA doesn’t know what I am up to. We have began to build our dinosaur cloning device. I am short some materials so I will list them below, encase you can help supply them. Items crossed out are already ready to go.

  1. 15 empty peanut butter jars, preferably Skippy brand.
  2. 3000 yards of aluminum foil.
  3. 3 sporks.
  4. 500 yards of duct tape.
  5. 1 modern PC.
  6. 3000 yards of unwaxed floss.
  7. 3 pounds of weapons grade plutonium.
  8. 3 sticks of Juicy Fruit.
  9. 100 yards cat5 cabling.
  10. 2 centrifuges.
  11. A microwave oven.
  12. 9 panels of sheet metal.
  13. 13 hamsters.
  14. M&Ms.
  15. 10′ of PVC piping, 2″ diameter.
  16. Frog blood.
  17. 1 copy of Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton 

Soon with your help we will raise a mighty Tyrannosaur Army to silence our critics and enslave those who would hack into my blog to post comments! I will suppress all bloggers including that Little Lying Bitch. My mighty reptilian legions will devour all detractors including Paul Levy, Cathy Gellis, Kenneth White, Marc Randazza and Martha Stewart (because we all know you can’t bake cookies that good without a heaping scoop of evil). Once they have fallen, my army will march upon the Halls of the Oatmeal and deal him a defeat that no Pterodactyl will be able to save him from. Anyone who says different is a quack. The only people who disagree with my mighty quest are Illuminati scientist who try to convince us that some invisible force keeps us from falling off the planet into space. How the hell would you fall into space? SPACE IS UP! Liars.

Jurassic Cave Dweller,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Advertisements

How many times do I have to win?

Jumping Buddha on a fence post, how many times do I have to beat Matthew Inman before he gets it in his head that all I do is win, win, win. I mean this guys stoops to taking a picture with his own money? Yeah right buddy, not charity money, anyone can whip up $211k of their own cash and take a picture… well… I mean… god damn it, that’s besides the point. IT WASN’T THE CHARITY MONEY BUDDY! You lose. I win. Always. Forever. Tomorrow. Today. Yesterday. Even when the Nazis dance on my grave, I’ve won. You didn’t. I stopped you from taking a picture with the real money. You know what else? This is what I think about your so called pictures you Pterodactyl Maniac:

 

Hah! Revel in my ball hairs Matthew Inman. Revel. In. Them. You may have rapeutated me, but my quasi dick is about to smash you in that smug face of yours! Take that you Illuminati CIA scum!

Winner,

Charles Carreon Esq.

P.S. Do you think this letter will

make me look strong to Tara? I

don’t want here to make fun of

me any more…

From the director’s chair.

So you might not know this fair readers, but I am in the middle of a mega movie production. This thing is going to be like A Few Good Men, meets Godzilla, meets Amistad. Our working title right now is Psycho Santa. It’s about this brave lawyer that one day stumbles upon this scam artist name “Datthew Enman” and how the lawyer successfully litigated until the scammer gave all his ill gotten gains to charity. It’s going to have a hero named “Charles” and a heroine named “Tara.” Not only will our champion have to face off against a scam artist but also, The illuminati, CIA, the mafia, and a giant pterodactyl that wants nothing more that to tear you a new asshole. Stunning right?

In other news, since I have dismissed my lawsuit against Matthew Inman et al, I have began making a list of all the people I need to sue for trademark infringement and defamation. Here it is, future entries into this diary will list why.

  1. Paul Levy
  2. Cathy Gellis
  3. Kenneth White
  4. Marc Randazza
  5. Adam Steinbaugh
  6. Ann Bransom
  7. Will Ross
  8. “Valerie” if that’s here real name.
  9. Nicholas Weaver
  10. Cyrus Farivar
  11. George Washington (his clone at least)
  12. “AlphaCentauri”
  13. Robert White
  14. “Jess”
  15. J. Edger Hoover (not deceased, trust me)
  16. “Nibor”
  17. The Taco Bell Dog
  18. Universal Studios
  19. [UPDATED] Joe Pullen

Writer, Director, Lawyer,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Know thy enemy.

So we know for sure now, that Matthew Inman is part of a broader Nazi Illuminati Luciferist CIA Mafia conspiracy against us. For dinosaur’s sake the guy’s mom is part of an elite group of Nazi Mystics, his father is a menace to society, and they divorced in order to throw people off the scent of their ultimate plan. What was that ultimate plan? To undermine our very existence and split this country in two. To force our people into a quagmire from which there is no return. In other words, the Inman’s are directly responsible for SCOTUS upholding ObamaCare. That is right. Look what’s happening! People are threatening to move from our country to Canada to escape socialist health care.

I told you the Illuminati are trying to drive good people out of this country so that the Pterodactyl gang can take over and institute their cannibal policies. Do you really want to see people eating babies? No. So stand with me and demand that our court system give me all the proceeds from the IndieGoGo BearLove Campaign. This is why I have asked the courts to place a restraining order on IndieGoGo from delivering the money to the cannibal campaign. Stand with me people of America. Send me your dinosaurs, so that I may vanquish our evil foe. For the Tyrannosaurus Rex!!!

Tara’s Sock Puppet,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Snakes in the grass.

Let me warn you all there are devious creatures out there, Tara call them Pisacca (Pishacha but she can’t spell), some call them demons, or pterodactyls, I call them snakes. These snakes feed you logical conclusions and try to make you a true believer in the devil Matthew Inman. So the question is, what do you do when the grass harbors snakes? You cut it down.

Think of the internet as a large field of tall grass, and you and your loved ones are walking through it. Do you want to be envenomed by these snakes? Do you want to give to charity because you are spitefully filled with venom? No you don’t. I know, because only I can tell you what to think.

We must burn the grass to the ground, we must cut it with our teeth and stop these snakes from slithering in and out of the inter tubes. There can be no true freedom when people can make fun of such a righteous man as I. I am freedom, by making fun of me, you are attacking freedom.

Your Ricki Tiki Tavi,

Charles Carreon Esq.

All of your domains are belong to me.

Step 2 in Operation Dead Bears and Happy Cancer. Remove any references from my name online that don’t directly quote me and support my statements. I submit this evidence to you my readers of how righteous my cause is, and that I will silence my detractors through any claims possible!

Tara says this should be enough to make even the most hated members of the Pterodactyl Killer gang tremble in their computer chairs. Damn it, I forgot to demand pictures of the person’s face so Tara could draw penises on them. Well, I guess I could amend the complaint in like 3 days later. No big deal. I also need to demand more dinosaurs…

Your Righteous Defender of Silence,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Copyright and Digital Libraries.

Nothing I do is illegal. If you do it, it might very well be, but I am exempt for two main reasons. First I am the law. Second, Tara is a librarian. So we can either sue your pie hole shut so fast you won’t even be able to swallow your pie, or we can claim we are fair use non-infringers of your copyright. Now this topic was brought up in the comments section of my last entry, and I need to clarify. My wife and I can draw genitalia all over your pictures and post them to our website. We can call for bankers to be water boarded. We can use other people’s money for our own rent. I can disclose all our emails and letters. We can do anything we want, because I can and will try to bend the law to my needs. I can use a dead man’s name to sell my services. I am above you. I am your transcendent legal god.

You however have many fewer rights than I. You cannot use my name to make fun of me. You cannot draw pictures that I might perceive are my mother. You cannot call me a content thief. You cannot chose how to use your own trademark. You cannot ask for civil debate. You cannot use my tactics against me. You cannot publish my legal letters to you.

Anyone who challenges these rules will learn that my pen is mightier than the sword. One last thing, Tara says your dick is small.

Charles Carreon Esq.

Class Action Suit.

Dear Readers,

I am looking for persons to be party to a class action lawsuit against Matthew Inman, IndieGoGo, the National Wildlife Fund and anyone with Cancer. Once party to the suit you will reap many financial benefits, including a share of at least $200,000. Other benefits are a poem written in your honor by my wife Tara, here is a sample of her work:

Well he used to be a pterodactyl up in the sky,
Tearin’ people’s heads off,
and eatin’ their eyes,
But now he’s done a change-up,
Got a new disguise —
All Points Bulletin: Look out for this guy!

Also if you like cartoons or photoshop she can do that too. So you ask, “What do I need to do Charles?” Well it’s really quite simple. Donate using the link below (Click the picture) and then we can say that Mr. Inman is misappropriating your donation. No it doesn’t matter that the donations haven’t ended and he hasn’t done it yet. We all know he’s going to buy himself medical grade cadavers with his proceeds to make brain smoothies.

Again. Click the link (now above) in the picture. Donate. Then add your name to my class action lawsuit! 3 simple steps to pillaging a $200,000 slush fund.

Soon to be your representative,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Don’t mess with my mom, or I’ll go Tucson Jack on you.

So people are trying to convince me that this picture drawn by The Oatmeal:

Is not directed at me? I mean seriously? I don’t care if the whole blog post / letter / response he referred the word “you” to the owner of FunnyJunk. I don’t care if his anger was directed at FunnyJunk. I still could care less if he even referred to me as “your lawyer” which implies the letter is directed at FunnyJunk. We all know this is about me. I can simply not allow theoatmeal creator Matthew Inman to change those facts. He drew a lewd picture about MY MOM! With her subtle curves and saggy, wrinkled breasts. The way she beckons the bear with her crazy stare and curly hair.

Some people would want to distance their mother and themselves from such a letter and almost pornographic image. No I am not some people. I am going to throw my mom right in there with the saggy breasts, pink bikini, and kodiak bear. To do any less would be un-Carreon. My sweet mother never once molested a bear and the only way to prove that is to insert her into this dispute, making the bear love picture about me and her, and then proving it all false through the court of law. Matthew Inman and his pterodactyl conspirators will rue the day I mistakingly thought that picture was of my mom.

Thank You Readers,

Charles Carreon Esq.

New Client?

I really need to represent these people. I mean they get it, you can’t just have people going around the internet slandering you and calling your prices unreasonable. That’s like drawing pictures of the President having sex with cabinet members(NSFW). I bet this girl works with the pterodactyl conspiracy from outer space.

Yours Truly,

Charles Carreon Esq.

%d bloggers like this: