All charity is scam. AKA Relinquish your money to I.

2 gazillion dollars a year is misappropriated by charities. All charities are evil. If you need to give your money away, do it the American way, invest it. Right now I am accepting all levels of investments in my next level of DinoCloning(TM) the amazing… Raccoonosaurus Rex. After the success of the Kittenosaurus Rex I’ve had investors lined up around the block, but now through my secret blog (the one you are reading now) I can accept your investments immediately. Just be a pal and leave your full name, SNN, bank account number, bank routing number, date of birth, place of birth, and mother’s maiden name in my comment section with an investment amount. Remember, don’t donate, dinoate.

Charitable Investment Manager,

Charles Carreon Esq.

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I am not a hypocrite.

See this is how I know Christopher had to use his work computer to blog about me, because I used my work laptop for personal reasons and everyone does what I do. Not only did I use my work laptop for personal emailing, I took it, didn’t want to give it back, and allowed other persons to use it. So the proof is pretty solid. The only way anyone can do anything is to use their work computer duh. It’s just good logic. It’s the scientific process, you start with a conclusion based on your own past experiences, and you say anything to convince anyone it’s true. Just like “water evaporating,” I mean who comes up with that stuff. Water is a liquid, not a gas. Everyone knows that. That’d be like saying water could become a solid. Crazy talk.

The real reason I couldn’t return the laptop and tried to haggle for it, is because I had semi-working schematics of a dinosaur cloning device. You don’t just give Canadians the ability to clone dinosaurs, that’d be treason or something. Unfortunately we could not get the cloning device to work because when I scanned the crayon drawings, the wax melted some and we lost a few computations. It was a disappointing time in my life. I had the amber locked mosquito and everything, which I later ate when I had the munchies one late night…

Scientist,

Charles Carreon Esq.

A business guide to trademarks on the internet.

It really pisses me off when people go around using my name. It’s mine, haven’t they ever heard “That’s my name don’t wear it out?” For Buddha’s sake, if I wasn’t such a compassionate decent human being, I’d get angry. However why get angry when you can sue for trademark damages? You can’t just go around using someone’s name, especially to criticize them, that’s rapeutation. You can only use someone’s name to criticize or sell your own services if they’re dead. Profiting off of dead people’s names is just good business.

Examples:

Joey Ramone

Phillip Dick

Another good way to profit on the internet is to take something horrible and currently relative and link it to your services in order to garner attention. If the internet was around during the Holocaust, it would have been the prime time to register holocaust.com or gaschambers.com because people would naturally want to read about such topics. Then you could give them a brief article on your opinion about the Holocaust and try to sell them your services!

Example:

Catholic Sex Abuse

You see how I worked that? Amazing. When you’re hard up for clients like I am, every little trick helps. Another great trick that helps me direct traffic to my websites is buying domains to books I like. Then I can find other people who liked the book and hopefully they are just as batshit crazy as myself and Tara.

Example:

Child of Fortune by Norman Spinrad

Or you can go the old cybersquatter way and name a site similarly to another site that offers the same services as you.

Example:

Social Media Esq(Original) vs Media Esq(Me!)

See there friends, there are many ways you can profit off the internet in ways you probably could never imagine!

Your Faithful Defender,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Clarification.

I can see how this looks bad.

“California code is just so long, but there’s something in there about this,”  (Note interview happened the night before the article was published otherwise known as June 14th)

Based on what I saw on page one of Exhibit B, I understood that if I clicked to contribute, Indiegogo would give $5 to ACS and $5 to NWF. […] With the expectation that I would be making a tax-deductible donation to two widely respected, trustworthy charities dedicated to the elimination of cancer the protection of wildlife, respectively, I donated $10 to the Bear Love campaign, and received the receipt attached as Exhibit C.

It looks bad, like I donated after threatening to find any way to sue Matthew Inman possible, just to twist California law in order to find cause… Seriously though, I don’t sue people over misconceived vendettas, I sue people for dinosaurs. I know it looks like I signed a letter to the court under the risk of perjury that I had no way to know that my donation was not tax deductible. I had no way to know that IndieGoGo was going to take 4% either. What sort of website offers to handle tons of financial transactions a day and charges? I thought banks, and paypal, and credit card companies just did it for the sake of humanity. NO ONE COULD HAVE KNOWN! Does anyone know a good lawyer?

Humbly,

Charles Carreon Esq.

I donate because I care.

So the only reason anyone would donate money to anyone else is for a tax exemption.

Finally, Inman fails to see that in order to avoid taking improper advantage of his misappropriation of the names of NWF and ACS, by means of which he led Bear Love donors to believe they were making tax deductible donations,

Seriously. Who the hell wants to pay taxes, and who cares about people with cancer? No one. So our government made it legal to claim any money you gave to the unwashed masses for their cancer could be deducted from your tax bill, that way cancer got its and you got yours. Now I only donated to Bear Love to get my goddamn tax credit, and I can’t even get it because I didn’t donate to the actual charity or something. What bullshit. See, I’m not suing to take all the money from Matthew Inman, all I want is my $10.00 tax credit and for everyone else to get their tax credit… man that sounded better in my head.  I seriously need to buy better bullshit at the crazy market. No one is going to believe that’s why I’m suing Inman.

Fourth, they did not disclose Indiegogo’s fees at any time, since there is no “clickwrap” agreement to be signed digitally by donors at the time of contribution.

Maybe the whole part where I explain how they didn’t clickwrap a disclosure on any fees IndieGoGo asserted will stick. I’m shoveling shit faster than I can even keep up on that document. I impress myself sometimes. I don’t understand why we can’t just settle this thing out of court, I’ll accept $211,000 or one live Tyrannosaurus Rex. Let’s be reasonable people. I will also be filing to change the lawsuit parties to this:

CHARLES CARREON VS. THE ILLUMINATI
United States District Court
Northern District of California
Case No.: CV-12-3112-EMC

That will really hit home the point that I am a sane individual who can be trusted with a charitable trust.  See they are the crazy people, The Illumianti. I am just a simple man, fighting for justice for all humans with the last name Carreon.

Respectfully,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Know thy enemy.

So we know for sure now, that Matthew Inman is part of a broader Nazi Illuminati Luciferist CIA Mafia conspiracy against us. For dinosaur’s sake the guy’s mom is part of an elite group of Nazi Mystics, his father is a menace to society, and they divorced in order to throw people off the scent of their ultimate plan. What was that ultimate plan? To undermine our very existence and split this country in two. To force our people into a quagmire from which there is no return. In other words, the Inman’s are directly responsible for SCOTUS upholding ObamaCare. That is right. Look what’s happening! People are threatening to move from our country to Canada to escape socialist health care.

I told you the Illuminati are trying to drive good people out of this country so that the Pterodactyl gang can take over and institute their cannibal policies. Do you really want to see people eating babies? No. So stand with me and demand that our court system give me all the proceeds from the IndieGoGo BearLove Campaign. This is why I have asked the courts to place a restraining order on IndieGoGo from delivering the money to the cannibal campaign. Stand with me people of America. Send me your dinosaurs, so that I may vanquish our evil foe. For the Tyrannosaurus Rex!!!

Tara’s Sock Puppet,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Carreon Luggage.

Well since I’ve been inundated with publicity and the likes I thought it was time to capitalize on it and create my very first consumer products line! Today I humbly submit to you my new brand of travel accessories called Carreon Luggage. See I’ve been married to a… special person for many years, so I know all about the hassles of dragging dead weight around. I also am known for filing litigation for just about any reason any where, so my slogan is going to be “We get your shit where it’s going. Carreon Luggage.” I believe that by leveraging my new found fame I will be able to monetize it and then take the money and dinotize(R) it. I have brought this idea to two separate firms so far and they’ve turned me down, which further proves the Mafia CIA Illuminati Luciferist conspiracy against me. So I ask that you all please begin placing funds in a trust that I will manage, and we’ll split profits accordingly. Once we have the initial investment down, I will contact my supporters in Asia to begin production of the Luggage which will be sold at flea markets and by street vendors. If anything goes wrong with the initial strategy, we’ll blame someone else for our failings and sue them to recuperate at least $200,000. If anyone writes a review critical of our prices or quality, we’ll sue them too for lost dinosaur profits. This will work….

Entrepreneur Awesomeness,

Charles Carreon Esq.

I am big in Asia.

So I can’t read Chinese but I’m pretty sure this article says how awesome I am. It’s probably full of factual accounts of how I am a champion of freedom. I bet it’s talking about how I am standing up for decency by stopping charities from receiving over $200k because the people donating were angry. You can’t donate angry. You can only donate while riding unicorns that shit skittles. You certainly can’t donate to make me look like a fool. I think 99% of America wants me to stop this Inman character and his Cash Christ mentality. I can’t believe he can just go around bribing bears and cancer patients with no remorse or moral compass. What next? Politicians taking bribes to insert amendments to laws? It’s really only a very vocal minority that keeps slandering me. Calling me all sorts of terrible names, like “Charles Carreon” and “Jack Thompson.” The only thing I don’t get is what the hell does Barbara Streisand have to do with it? Either way it is time to go full Rakofsky.

All I know is that when this is all over, I am going to take my $220,024 plus attorney fees and go to Asia where I can get a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t. I heard they find Tyrannosaurus Rex fossils in Mongolia all the time. Does anyone know how much a live Tyrannosaurus Rex would set me back? I bet China would be a great place to silence your critics

Hello Hainan,

Charles Carreon Esq.

A look back in time.

I think it is time to share my original business plan with FunnyJunk, so that you all may see how this internet sensation began….

______________________________________________________

To:   Bryan Durel

From:  Charles Carreon

Subject:  Your recent struggles with theoatmeal.com

 

Hello Bryan,

My name is Chas Carreon and I would like to propose a business plan to right a wrong done to you. I have been informed of your struggles with one Matthew Inman who has accused you of willful copyright infringement. I suggest that we make an example of this person and others through a series of steps outlined below.

  1. I send a letter to Matthew Inman in order to extort recover lost profits up to the amount of $20,000.
  2. I demand that he censor remove all references to FunnyJunk.com
  3. I use the threat of trademark infringement to frighten encourage him.
  4. Once Matthew Inman falls we will go after anyone who has spoken out against FunnyJunk in the past and demand further extortion money settlements.

If you agree that this could be a profitable enterprise between two internet savvy individuals such as ourselves, please reply.

Your Thug Friend,

Charles Carreon Esq.

______________________________________________________

There you have it. You know what they say… best laid plans and all.

Charles Carreon Esq.

You are not the internet.

Stop it right now with your delusions of grandeur. You are not the internet. The internet loves me. I am practically a God. I find it disingenuous that people claim I am a dick. People love me, they make pictures of me for God’s (or my) sake. I am idolized. On top of that people are calling my ethics into question? All I want is to safely put into trust the funds I donated to. To make sure they get to their rightful owner. All I want is respectful spirited debate. However people keep satirizing me like the true Nazis they are. Don’t they know I’m 1/64th Jewish possibly, according to Tara?

Stop it now, before I break out the Lenham Act on you all and take all your $20,000.

Charles Carreon Esq.

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